John Mark Ministeries

[Nonson]

Holy Fire
During an Ecumenical gathering....Someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!" Immediately...
Ї The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed,
Ї The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
Ї The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings,
Ї The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil,
Ї The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate.
Ї The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out,
Ї The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."
Ї The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!"
Ї The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass,
Ї The JEHOVAH's WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire,
Ї The MORMONS ran late-night TV commercials for free videos of the fire,
Ї The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire,
Ї The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and
Ї The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly.
Postage Stamps
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this with all this political correctness?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist."
Fundamentalism
You might be becoming too fundamentalish when...
Ї You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
Ї You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
Ї You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
Ї You think hair tonic is Biblical.
Ї You find June Cleaver attractive.
Ї You believe Moses should have shaved.
Ї You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
Ї You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
Ї You say "Gosh Darn."
Ї You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
Ї You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
Ї You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
Ї You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
Ї You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
Ї You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
Ї You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
Ї You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
Ї You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
Ї You think that bar codes are demonic.
Ї You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
Ї You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
Ї You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
Ї You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
Ї You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
Ї You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
Ї You think movies are a tool of the devil.
Ї You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
Ї Your idea of a happin' weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
Ї You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
Ї You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
Ї You think Jesus is liberal.
Ї You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
Ї You call Israel "the Holy Land."
Ї You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
Ї You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments ....but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
Ї You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
Ї You say Amen more than once an hour.
Ї You pray so long your food gets cold.
Ї You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
Ї You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit ...but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
Ї You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
Ї Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
Ї You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
Ї You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
Ї You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
Ї You name your children after the apostles.
Ї You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise.
Ї You like being an Amway dealer.
Automenicalism
"In a certain small country town, the economic recession had hit hard and churches' attendances and offerings were falling.
In an amazing stroke ecumenicalism, the three principle congregations banded together to buy a new car to be shared amongst the three leaders.
On the day of delivery, crowds gathered in the street. The Catholic priest stepped forward, sprinkled Holy Water on the bonnet and blessed the new vehicle.
The Baptist pastor, without a second thought, jumped into the driver's seat, drove to the river ford, and promptly immersed the car.
By the time the crowd had pulled the car out of the river, the Rabbii was ready with his tin snips, and proceeded to cut 2 inches off the exhaust pipe."

[andrewblow]

Brill - the very last line had me in stitches