Some food for thoughts....

[Lina]

Hi everyone!

I think that it's pretty natural to want to love someone and to be loved. Sometimes, in order to achieve this goal we tend to take unusual, and little crazy steps. Growing popularity of Ukrainian-Western marriages seems to be an example...
Where a "husband" gets a young beautiful wife with traditional values, and a "wife" gets a husband able to support her. It seems like an equation should work just fine...
And it does most of the time...
Some of the above marriages are very successful, though some end up in divorces after a certain period of time...

Abusive husband, found someone else are the most common reasons you hear from girls. (don't know much about what "boys" think. Probably, she married me because of the Green Card).

If you inform your bride about the rights she will have in your country, after marrying you, she will appreciate it.( just a little advice)

Anyways, we are just people...
Though, I belive that some problems are unique only for Ukrainian/Russian- Western marriages...Are you ready for them? How will you plan to deal with them?

1. If a girl doesn't speak English good enough. I do not mean writing letters. I mean trying to keep up with a conversation far beyond learned by heart topics(my family, my school, weather).... Wrighting letters to each other might work,(and it probably takes her 2hr. to wright one...which you might appreciate) but when you get married, are you gonna talk through a sign language...? Plus,adaptation to living in a foreign country will be very hard for her, with poor English. It takes months to get used to a new life.
(and you might be the only connection to the world for her,unless she finds other russian-immigrants)

2. Difference in age. Painful question. How much is too much? I personally think that up to 10 years is O.K., 15-25 not O.K. The Beauty and the beast story might sound nice, but I do not think it works in real life too good. It is cool for a man to have a young wife, and for a Ukrainian woman a western husband(while she is in Ukraine). But when she moves to live with a much much older man, I think, she might feel a little uncomfortable sometimes...(unless she is madly in love).


Just wanted to know how do "grooms" plan to deal with these issues? Do they ever crooss their minds? To what extand do they want their wives to be traditional or dependent on their husbands?




[Edited by Lina on 3rd January 2001 at 02:03]

[Stephen_Bailey]

Dear Lina,

Hi - and Happy New year !!!
Your message was really thoughtful - and it's a pleasure to reply.

Is an 'age difference' really a problem?? I'm 36. The last woman I had a 'real' relationship with was 46. The person before her was 18.
I see what you mean, but I think "character" is more important than age.
I'm like a hyper-active 12 year-old most of the time I (personally) love going for long runs and dancing and watching cartoons and, basically, I'm still curious about everything in life. But, some of my school-friends have been happily married for 10-15 years and are already comfortably settling into "middle-age". I'm happy for them, but I'm not at that stage yet.

I'm going to Ukraine on Jan 4th, to spend 2 weeks with a girl I've never even met before. Now, how's that for an adventure.

My friend (Vera) came to England from Ukraine, three years ago. She says the E.U. is VERY different from Ukraine, but, ultimately it's neither no better nor no worse. Just, a different set of problems.
Example. In Ukraine she couldn't afford a car. Now she has one, but has to struggle through traffic-jams and pay out lots of ёёёёё for gasoline, Insurance etc..
Also, she earns a lot more over here, but prices are higher and there's the constant worry of redundency.

I know many people feel suspicious (or even hostile) about Ukrainian/Western marriages, but there is another side to it.
Many British women (honestly) do marry men who "just happen" to earn a lot more than they do - and many British men seek British women who "just happen" to be a lot younger than they are. That's life !
And, a depressingly large number of British/British marriages end in divorce.

I think a relationship/marriage should always have a sense of fun and adventure about it. Don't you agree?
I'd like to be able to 'explore' a different language and culture and way of looking at life.
If I found a girlfriend in my own city it MIGHT be really happy, but, it might not?? You see, I already 'know' SO much about them - and they about me (I guess??)
'We' speak the same language, with exactly the same accent and dialect and use all the same expressions. Religion, politics, food, music, books, cinema, - the same. It doesn't give 'us' much to talk about.
My 2 brothers are both happily-married to girls from our city and I love them dearly, but, they seem to spend all their time together just sitting at opposite ends of a sofa, watching TV. I hardly ever see them really COMMUNICATE with each other - and that's what I'm looking for.
I'd like to have children who can suddenly switch from speaking English to Russian if my Mother gets on our nerves - and, oh, 1,000 other experiences which I couldn't share with a 'local' girl.

Regards. S.B.

[7_62mm]

Yo Lina,

yeh,i know what you mean.what happens when she walks out that plane door.......im 28,and the ladies i speak too all say that whay dont i try a younger lady....but these ladies are my age,all can speak exceptional english(i have rang one on the phone a few times)and all are commited to do the marriage thing...properly!!!
I mean,i played "guerilla radio" (rage against the machine)on my electric guitar for her last week....and she said she goes out regularly,and never heard music like that!!!!
So yeah,there is quite a few barriers to overcome,but i fell if 2 people want to fall in love with each other,they will....futures and destinies are sought by individuals,not nations or red tape....
i will keep in contact,but on the assumption that SHE must make a huge change in her life,and on the certainty that i wil be there for her 110%.....

thats all

jase xxx000
jcc672@hotmail.com

[Lina]

Thanks for answering.

I do not want to sound depressing and to show hostility.... No way!!!

A while ago, I had a friend who worked as a (part-time) interpreter for the marriage agency...
I remember her saying.... " Je! I had to work for this sexual maniac from California last night... He thinks that if he is a lawyer , he can date 18 year old girls! He was 40. She was 18...( I am not making it up)
It might work...He can be a great man...But he is also a brave one.
O.K. I am not a nun...I know that it's pretty normal for a male to want to have a younger girl. Great body, better sex-drive etc, etc..
We (people) are animals, after all...So it's natural....But I have my doubts that this relationship will last for a long time.
It's a bit of an extreme example, but I hope you know what I mean when I talk about problems specific only to Wes./Ukr. mariages...

English.... That might be easier to overcome...
I know a couple that used electronic English-Russian translators. Her English was not perfect, but it helped...
So there are options.
I think it's better for a couple, if they can get along without an interpreter. ( But that's just my opinion.)


To Stephen...
I agree that a realtionship should always have a sense of fun and adventure about it.
I was born and raised in Ukraine. Today, I live in the U.S. and I am married to an American. We are very happy.
Yes, we do differ from our friends. We have more expensive phone bills and fly to Europe twice a year to visit my family
There is a part of me that will always be Ukrainian and will never change. (My accent for example
Though I had to change a lot ..or may be learn new things... Politics, food, music, books, cinema...
(because you can not stay 100% Ukrainian in another country...) So, in a couple of years you also might find your girlfriend talking about the same religion, politics, food, books, cinema with you...

Anyway, why did I start this topic you might ask?!!

Once in a while I go to Russian web-pages to learn about news in a "home country"... and go across messages posted by girls asking something like: " I've been married for almost two years. I did not get a Green Card yet, though I met another man... Should I divorce now , or wait till I get my Green Card and than get a divorce?" Not pretty, but human I can understand. I feel sorry about her husband though...
Another case was totally shocking... A girl posted a message saying that the American men looking for marriage through the Internet are the worst... and asking girls not to trust them. Than, she followed with a long story about her husband abusing her.
In this case, I feel really sorry for a girl...

I totally understand that there are also a lot of very successful mariages, and that most of those couples do not walk around saying:" We are so happy, just look at us!"
But it really hurts to hear when some people are being used...

You might find me naive...But, it's O.K.

I just think that it's very imporatant to learn about your partner as much as possible if you can...That's why knowing English is important.(I think)
Difference in age might be important too. Nobody wants to see the bride running away, after she's got her GC...

Anyway, you are the one who makes all the decisions...And may be your heart will tell you what is right for you...That's your life. I hope that everything will be great!

I just want to wish some luck! (getting married is a risky business whether you marry a British or a Ukrainian girl.)



[Edited by Lina on 3rd January 2001 at 23:03]

[kazanova3]

HI EVERY ONE I HOPE GOOD LUCK FOR ALL MEMBERS IN THIS NEW YEAR.AND IT WAS NICE TOPIC ISSUED TO DISCUSE IT.I RESPECT ALL OF YOU MEMBERS AND I WILL BE IN UKRANI SOOOOOOOON!!!!!!

[Stephen_Bailey]

Lina,

No; you are (of course) not niaeve. I agree with you completely. Most men (from any country) are good people. I think this "Lawyer" you mentioned is typical of a minority of wealthy Westerners who think they can "buy" anything and have this strange idea that Russian or Ukrainian girls will be impressed by an American or English accent.
Hmmmm?????? Maybe 10 years ago, but certainly not now.

I'm sure that VERY soon your English will be as 'native' as your husband's; but you'll never completely lose the 'accent' - and that's lovely !!
Honestly. My next-door-neighbour is Polish. He's lived in England for 40 years, but still has this interesting accent.

And ou're quite correct. People (men AND women) should try to find out as much as possible about each other, before commiting themselves.


Regards S.B. (now in XAPbKOB)

[Lina]

Have fun there!!!