Someone's got a joke for you guys.

[johnstruthers]

Back to screeching tires: In chase scenes, on gravel roads and sometimes even across fields, their tires screech. And every car that rolls over explodes immediately and with such force that it must have carried a ton of gasoline.

Women wake up and get out of bed fully made up.

[Phillip]

It doesn't blow up immeaditely. It has to wait until the stars get safely away.

[Lilly]

You Know You're from Canada When ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow-blower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy
stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the
door is one metre above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a
blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes
are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel
nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international
headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.
15. Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national
holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the
bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage
making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your
finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost
Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night
in Canada."
29. You understand these jokes.

[Lilly]

Some Examples of Cultural Differences:

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German me and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

After one month, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and then started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are
low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them "bloody tossers".

One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other man is searching the island for sheep.

The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

[Yulia]

бПЕЛЪ ГЮБРПЮЙЮ. фЕМЮ ЛСФС:
- сБЕПЕМЮ, ВРН РШ ГЮАШК ЙЮЙНИ ДЕМЭ ЯЕЦНДМЪ?
- цКСОНЯРХ, Ъ ОПЕЙПЮЯМН ОНЛМЧ ЙЮЙНИ ЯЕЦНДМЪ ДЕМЭ, - НРБЕРХК ЛСФ
Х ЯБЮКХК МЮ ПЮАНРС.
б 10:30 ПЮГДЮКЯЪ БУНДМНИ ГБНМНЙ. йНЦДЮ ФЕМЮ НРЙПШКЮ ДБЕПЭ, РН СБХДЕКЮ
БНГКЕ ОНПНЦЮ АНКЭЬНИ АСЙЕР ЙПЮЯМШУ ПНГ.
б 13:00 ЯМНБЮ ПЮГДЮКЯЪ ГБНМНЙ. мЮ ЩРНР ПЮГ ЩРН АШКЮ ЙНПНАЙЮ ЕЕ
КЧАХЛНЦН АЕКЭЦХИЯЙНЦН ЬНЙНКЮДЮ.
б 15:00 ЩРН АШКН ЬХЙЮПМНЕ, ДХГЮИМНБЯЙНЕ ОКЮРЭЕ.
фЕМЮ ЕКЕ ДНФДЮКЮЯЭ ЛСФЮ:
- н! дНПНЦНИ! яМЮВЮКЮ ЖБЕРШ, ОНРНЛ ЬНЙНКЮД, ОНРНЛ ОКЮРЭЕ! щРН ЯЮЛШИ
ЯВЮЯРКХБШИ дЕМЭ бНГДСЬМН-дЕЯЮМРМШУ бНИЯЙ Б ЛНЕИ ФХГМХ!...
I don't know, maybe someone can translate it.

[Phillip]

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts
"G'day Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila, not only are you a great root, but you're a real sport."

[Lilly]

Women's and Men's Dictionary -----

Women's Dictionary:

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

"The same old thing" = Nothing


"Nothing" = Everything

"Everything" = My PMS is acting up.

"Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such an butthole.

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

Men's Dictionary:

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.


"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! (boy how many times have I heard that one)

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now. We'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.

(While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

LillyNomad