86 Rules For Being A Man

[Nonson]

Rules For Being A Man


1. Don't call. EVER.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to
let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "Spike" (Mine is The Fearsome)

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.

6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.

7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer,
a grunt will do.

8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
it isn't your fault.

9. Lie.

10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help,
don't ask. People will think you have no penis. (Mine is amazing, simply amazing).

12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use
only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.

14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis) (None bigger is known in the desert).

15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. (Not her mother, who oftentimes pretends to be the best friend. For obvious reasons).

17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

19. Lie.

20. Deny everthing. Everything.

21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really
want to know.

22. Don't have a clue.

23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

24. No means yes.

25. Yes means no.

26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. (An excessive amount creates added value to the family jewels).
You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important
rules.

27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and locations.

28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,
sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

29. Feelings? What feelings?

30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.

31. Lie

32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are
backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If
you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a
loophole for escape.

33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have
sexual meaning. Twist.

34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various genitalia. (Think of me when you see a fireplug).

35. Lie.

36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
saying it.

37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back.
Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

39. Lie.

40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget
trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
can't see you.

44. Never take responsibility for your actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc. (Buy the Nonsonian Dictionary).

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play
with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get
to please you.

54. Don't ever notice anything.

55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else,
don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls
in love with YOU, and then tell her.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do
you have to cry about, anyway?

61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU...

64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around
until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others
will worship your skills.

66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.

67. Lie.

68. If anyone asks you for a favor-

a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it,

b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least
every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

69. 69

70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk
to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are
mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

72. Lie.

73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation,
tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked,
sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him
he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true
story.)

75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's
the one who wanted to end the relationship.

76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

77. Default facial expression: blank stare.

78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt.
Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull
it out of your ass.

79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't
work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that
you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions
on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you
YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can
and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.

80. Do not listen to "***** music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

81. Beer. Then more beer.

82. One word: FOOTBALL!

83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't
want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.

85. LIE.

86. Admit nothing. Deny everthing. Make counter accusations.


05.03.01

[Irinka]

How idiotic....

[Nonson]

Irinka,

huh?

05.04.01

[NZman]

I is keepin' me bird off this site now as you has given the game away.

Very Funny

Love the NZman

[Nonson]

Zman,

Not to sweat. There's a new, more powerful, method now available. The bird of choice can no longer resist our manly charm.

05.04.01

[Somniferous]

Nonson,

You have murdered me!!!

Of course if you are the real author of the "Rules...".

Myself being an ambitious self-acknowledged entertainer, every more or less apt joke or pun copyrighted by a rival entertainer is a PAIN IN THE A$$ for me...
The lump of bitter and bilious envy rises up my throat, throwing me into horrid pangs of suffocation.

As I read that stuff, along with bursts of smasmodic laughter it sent shivers up my spine... and then... this lump... heaved up and stuck right there...

At times I really thought: Oh no, I just can't take it anymore! I'm shrinking to nullity, I am spilling on the ground as worthless spit. I'm just no good anymore. I'm done for." I nearly made it to the end and survived. Think I will need to spend a month or two in the hospital, though, to recover fully.

Now you are my enemy FOREVER. I am going to poison you just like Salieri did Mozart. I can't live on with a thought that there walks a GENIUS WHO HAS BEAT ME, THRASHED SO THOROUGHLY THAT I MAY NEVER DARE TO LIFT MY FACE OFF THE GROUND...

It's sheer agony, Nonson. I wish you could understand...



Somniferous,
Weak & Inefficient

[BenCA]

somni

I think Nonson was dead serious when he posted HIS rules

but i do like rule 82