A Pilfer'ed Piece

[Nonson]

The Ph.D. Hurdle Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours. Begin immediately.

History. Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Literature. Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of it's metrics.

Logic. Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific, show all work.

Philosophical Psychology. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate it's significance. Compare with any other kind of thought.

Sociology. Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Show how boy meets girl theory developed. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Economics. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated by the last question.

Computer Science. Define computer. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications to interface and all necessary control programs.

Physics. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of math science.

Agricultural Science. Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate it's impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

Music. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology. Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left.

Public Speaking. 2,500 riot crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Philosophy. At some point while you are taking this test a large, hungry lion will enter the classroom. Under your desk you find a large caliber rifle and three rounds of ammunition. Describe the actions you deem appropriate. Defend your actions within the framework of solipsism.

General Science. Describe the universe in 30 words or less. Give three examples.

Medicine. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Comprehension: 3 minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this paper. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write "yes, yes, yes." Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X. On the back of this paper multiply 703 x 668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far call out " I am the fist person to this point, I am leading at following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, only do sentence two.

Political Science. There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Extra Credit. Give today's date, in metric.

(A note from me (Nonson): No further instructions should be needed for the brilliant members of U.com)

Nonson
2.18.01