This made me laugh

[nickcsadler]

The Priest and the Frog

One fine sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was walking by a small stream when he noticed a sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really?" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time, when I was an 11-year-old choirboy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by a wicked witch.

"'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and, with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story," said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell?"

"Yes," replied the frog, "it is said, that if a nice kind person picks me up, takes me home, gives me food, warmth and a good nights sleep then I will wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, picking up the frog and taking him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old choirboy beside him in bed.

"And that my lord concludes the case for the Defence."

[nickcsadler]

Cruising for a Boozing

A woman and man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they've both crawled out of the wreckage, the man says, "My God, we were lucky, look at our cars - there's nothing left!"

"You're right," replies the woman still shaken by the collision, "thank God we're both okay. This must be a sign from Him upstairs that we're meant to be friends and that we shouldn't try to pin the blame on each other."

"I suppose it must be," replies the man.

Then scanning the wreckage the woman sees a bottle on the ground.

"And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. This must mean that God wants us to drink this Scotch to celebrate our good fortune," she exclaims handing the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves.

After he's downed a healthy slug of the Scotch he hands it back to the woman, who takes the bottle, puts the cap back on, and hands it straight back to the man.

"Aren't you having any?" the man asks, a little surprised.

"No," replies the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police."

[nickcsadler]

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk hand in hand into a fast food restaurant one cold winter evening.

They look out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers look admiringly at them.

"There's a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" One of the on-lookers comments to his friends.

Meanwhile the little old man walks up to the cash register, places his order with no hesitation and pays for their meal.

The couple take a table near the back wall and start taking food off of the tray.

There is one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counts out the French fries, divides them in two piles and neatly places one pile in front of his wife.

He then takes a sip of the drink and his wife does likewise, setting the cup down between them.

As the man begins to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd of youngsters begin to feel sorry for the couple. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." one of them remarks.

Finally, as the man tucks into his pile fo French fries, one young man from the group approaches the old couples' table and politely offers to buy them another meal.

"We're just fine," replies the old man. "We're used to sharing everything."

Satisfied, the young man returns to his table but when one of his friends remarks "But look, the old lady hasn't even taken a bite. She's just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink."

So once more the young man goes over and this time he begs them to let him buy them something to eat.

"No, we're fine, honestly. We're used to shaing everything," says the old lady as the little old man finishes eating and she wipes his face neatly with a napkin.

The young man can stand it no longer and after being politely refused again he finally plucks up the courage to confront the old lady.

"Excuse me madam, but why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything, but you haven't touched any of your food? What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered...

"The teeth."

[nickcsadler]

The Power of Cod

In association with Virgin Wines
Got a better gag? Post it to win

Posted by D4V1

Two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming around in the sea.

They are constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrol the area.

Finally, one day, Justin says to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."

Just as Justin is fantasising about being a big, strong predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold Justin is transformed into a shark.

Horrified by what's just happened and afraid of being eaten by his old mate, Christian swims away.

After a while of being a shark, Justin finds himself becoming bored and lonely. Whenever he approaches his old mates they all scurry away.

While out swimming alone one day, Justin sees the mysterious cod again and begs the cod to work its magic and turn him back into a prawn so he can hang out with his friends again.

The cod agrees and Justin is tranformed back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his little eyes, he swims back to his friends but his old pal Christian is nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, completely distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark," the other prawns tell Justin.

So, eager to put things right again and end their mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house.

Banging on the door in an attempt to make up with his pal, he shouts: "Christian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Please come out and see me again."

"No way," Christian replies. "You're a shark, you're the enemy and not to be trusted. How do I know you won't eat me?"

"It's OK now," argues Justin, "I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed. I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

[nickcsadler]

Several men are in the changing rooms at the local gym.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and one of the men answers it using the hands free speaker function.

"Hello."

"Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" enquires a woman's voice

"Yes," replies the man.

"Well I'm just out shopping and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only ё1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" the woman pleads.

"Of course. If you like it that much, you can have it," says the man.

"That's great," says the woman excitedly. "But honey, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. There's one I really like and it's only ё63,000. Can I have it?"

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options," replies the man, without a second thought.

"Great! Oh, and one more thing. My mum phoned and she wants to come and stay with us for a few months. I said you wouldn't mind."

"That's fine. I guess I can put up with her for a while," he says calmly.

"Oh thanks so much honey. You're the best." Says the woman, ending the call.

The man hangs up, turns to all the other men in the locker room, who are staring at him in astonishment and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[nickcsadler]

A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.

They find themselves standing next to St Peter waiting to be let into Heaven.

While waiting for him to finalise the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.

"I dont know,"says St Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out ."

After eight weeks waiting, St Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.

However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).

So they ask St Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. St Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork:

"Oh come on!" he shouts, 'It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

[nickcsadler]

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."