Joke

[nickcsadler]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English > will be the official language of the European Union rather than > German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, > Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room > for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would
> become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace
> the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy.
> The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
> konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be
> growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the esome "ph"

> will be replaced with "f". This will make > words like fotograf 20% shorter. > In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted > to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. > Governments will enkourage the r emoval of double letters which have > always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the > horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should > go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as > replasing > "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" > kan
> be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav > a > reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and > evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop > vil finali kum tru. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen > ve vil rul ze world!!!

And another...
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008
>
>This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that
>
>We're not sure how funny this really is...
>
>Operator: Thank you for calling Royal Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
>Number?
>
>Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
>
>Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
>
>Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
>6102049998-45-54610.
>
>Operator: Thank you Mr.. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
>and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
>Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
>sheehan@home.net . I see your calling me from home.
>
>Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
>
>Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
>
>Customer: The HSS, what is that?
>
>Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will >add
>only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
>
>Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
>Special pizzas.
>
>Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
>
>Customer: Whaddya mean?
>
>Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've
>got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
>Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
>
>Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
>
>Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
>
>Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
>
>Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
>library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
>
>Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
>
>Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
>2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
>
>Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
>
>Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
>credit card balance is over its limit.
>
>Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets
>here.
>
>Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn
>also.
>
>Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
>long will it take?
>
>Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
>sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out
>getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
>awkward.
>
>Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
>
>Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
>got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank
>yesterday.
>
>Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
>
>
>Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
>4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
>September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
>here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional
>Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
>
>Customer: (speechless)
>
>Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
>
>Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..
>
>Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
>offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
>
>Thank you for calling Royal Pizza Hut.

[Rajkumar]

Lightning

Why does Mr.Bean always smile when a lightning blazes?
He thinks his picture is being shot.

...........................................................


Cellular Phone

Mr.Bean is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says
" Hello, how did you know I was here?"

...........................................................

Two Coats

Mr.Bean was painting his living room one hot day.
His friend John asked him, "Why, are you wearing two jackets?".
"Because,■ said Mr.Bean, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats.

...........................................................

Empty Bottles

Why does Mr.Bean keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.

..........................................................

Checkbook

Did you hear about Mr.Bean who signed all his checks so no one Else
could write in his checkbook other than him if he lost his checkbook?

[Rajkumar]

TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
The doctor told Mr.Bean that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Mr.Bean called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home.



Phone Book
Mr.Bean walked up to the front desk of the library
and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the
most boring I've ever read. There was no story
whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who
took our phone book.

[Rajkumar]

Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".
Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I▓d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".
To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".

The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"





One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said, "Whatever you do don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty beer cans. When Bill came home she said, "What's with the two beer cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you." "Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."

[Rajkumar]

An American tourist in London walked into a beautiful deserted forest and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping.She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, Mr.Bean the gardner appeared from behind the bushes where he was hiding all along and said, 'Madam! Swimming not allowed!''You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!', the American woman scolded him. Mr.Bean replied, 'Madam, only swimming not allowed, taking off clothes allowed

[Rajkumar]

Mr.Bean went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items. Mr.Bean asked " Where is the fat ?" The person didn't understand what Mr.Bean was saying and said "Excuse me sir, FAT???" Mr.Bean : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" Mr.Bean started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Mr.Bean about the problem. Then Mr.Bean said "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written 'FAT FREE' on that but this guy is not giving me the fat.

*********************************************************

Jesus
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Mr.Bean, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Mr.Bean arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Mr.Bean arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

[Rajkumar]

Mr.Bean in Multi National Company
Mr.Bean joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,
"Damn it"! Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

Mr.Bean shouted back,
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied Mr.Bean and put down the phone!