On the lighter side - Jokes

[dobko]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved
"I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,
they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ."
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says,
"We're outta here."

[dobko]

Blackboard Penis

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she
noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny
letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking
for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased
it and began class. The next day, she went into the
room and she noticed in larger letters written across
the board, the word 'PENIS'. Again she looked around
in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom
and found the same disgusting word written on the board,
each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one
day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board but instead found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[OSINACHI]

naughty naughty on the the last joke.

Your wife will never be bored, because you will keep her amused.

[dobko]

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

[dobko]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, ⌠What are you up to?■ Alice smiles, ⌠I'm going hunting with you!■ Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: ⌠If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.■ Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, ⌠Get away from my deer!■ Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, ⌠Get away from my deer!■ followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, ⌠Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!■

[dobko]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

[nadovo]

And now some dry humor

A man is looking for a white horse he wants to buy.
So he went to a market and asked a horse owner if he has a completely white horse.
The owner takes the man to his horses and shows him a beautifull white horse, with only a small black dot on the tail.
"Is this the horse you are lookin for ?" the owner asks.
The man looks at the horse ands says "No...I am looking for a completely white horse with no black dots anywhere".
The owner tells the man he can not help him with such a horse.
The man asks the owner if he maybe knows where he could find such a white horse, and he tells him he has a friend, a sultan, in Arabia and he has a lot of horss and probably also a completely white one.
So the owner suggested the man to go there and take a look.
The man thanked the owner and went on his way to Arabia to find that sultan and maybe buy his completely white horse.
Some months go by and one day the horse owner sees the man again.
The owner is very curious and asks the man "did you find your white horse ?".
The man answers "Yes the sultan had a completely white horse and I now I own it.....thank you for the tip".
The owner asks "But why you needed a completely white horse wihtout any black dots ?"
The man says "it is for in my bathroom".
The owner "for in your bathroom ? ".
the man "yes for in my bathroom.......when I will have a party and people will go to my bathroom, they will come running to me and tell me there is a white horse in the bathroom".
And I will tell them "...........so what !!!"

I hoped you enjoyed