On the lighter side - Jokes

[nickcsadler]

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter
and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills...The man guesses
there must be thousands of dollars in it!He approaches the bartender
and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well... you pay ten dollars...
and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!" The man
certainly isn't going to pass this up! What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender..."Those are the rules." So the
man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do..
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila...the
WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing
it...SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore
tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...THIRD:
There's a 90 year
old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during
intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."The man is
stunned... "I know I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I
WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the
bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..." The man has a
few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks, "WHERRRRE'S
ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!" He grabs the gallon with both hands and
downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks,
but he doesn't make a face... Next... he staggers out back where
the pit bull is chained-up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE,
NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside...They hear the pit
bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping . and then
....SILENCE ...Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he
staggers back into the bar... with his shirt ripped... and large,
bloody scratches all over his body..."NOW!......" he says...
"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!

[OSINACHI]

I couldn't stop laughing!

Lily got back at the men though!

Personally, I don't have time to watch sports.

I love daydreaming more than gazing at the TV. Because, my mind conjures more thrillers. And I always preferred wrestling with my girlfriend on the bed than any other sport.

I once took the girlfriend upstairs out and we came back drenched in the rains. She went home upstairs and I went home downstairs to make her hot chocolate with bread and boiled eggs and took the meal upstairs to serve her on the sofa and I returned to my flat. Thirty minutes later she shouted from her balcony, "Chi! Come and do the dishes!"
And that was the last time I ever served her again.

A parrot in the cage next door whispered to me;
"Mikeaverko has gone back to his roots! And he's squeaking about Dobko to the Russians."

[nickcsadler]

Osi..this is laugh central.so lets keep references to what has been happening on politics away from here..this is a board for light relief...

[OSINACHI]

Noted.
I will comply.

[dobko]

That's O-K, Osi. As long as he's not doing it here. Let's keep the threads clean and stick to the subject.

[BlueandGold]

A Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."

http://www.ukrainian-americans.net/UkrainianJokes.htm

[dobko]

Robert was due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died.

Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a Singles
Bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit
over 30 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.