On the lighter side - Jokes

[Rajkumar]

Greetings Zbyszek,
Just recovered from the tsunamui effects.Back to work and the same old routine,just like this one below.

[dobko]

Something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern B.C. when she saw an elderly Native woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long & quiet one, she stopped the car & asked the Native woman if she would like a ride. With a word or 2 of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey & a bit of small talk, the Native woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag & said,

"It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband." The Native woman was silent for a moment, & then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade"

[dobko]

NICK THE DRAGON SLAYER


Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause,Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less ,and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King -shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...


MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[dobko]

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[dobko]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems
we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,
"Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo poop.
Someone has stolen tent."

[dobko]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed
Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some
new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
New suit = $400 New shirt = $ 36 New underwear = $ 6

Second opinion PRICELESS

[nickcsadler]

Jim decided to propose to Cathy. However, prior to her acceptance, Cathy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Cathy in the eyes and said, "I, too, have a problem........my penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Cathy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Cathy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Cathy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to yell, scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong!!

She said, "Jim, you told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

He said, "Well, it is.... It's 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!!"