On the lighter side - Jokes

[dobko]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter One:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your Friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter Two:

Dear God,

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year,and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank You, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either, so he wrote another letter.

Letter Three:

Dear God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank You, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if this was true, the letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's Mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner,"
his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the alter. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. he picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and pen.

Letter Four:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO.

[dobko]

Weight loss program for men
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


"If I catch you, you're mine."

[dobko]

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[dobko]

Labor Pains
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had
invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the
labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to
try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The
doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the
machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20%.

The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse
and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the
husband was still holding up fine, since this was
obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to
transfer all of the pain.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were absolutely thrilled.

Everything was great until they got home and...

Found the mailman dead on their porch.

[Rajkumar]

[Zbyszek]

Raj, my friend I just wanted to make you sure that I remember you and I like your way of posting here!
So glad that you reappeared after tsunami!

[dobko]

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long!"