On the lighter side - Jokes

[dobko]

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.



An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.




Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"




A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[Mark_Bloomfield]

clearly you guys have got loads of jokes to share...

so i've made a new forum: open board: laugh central.

continue shareing your jokes & cartoons & one liners & anecdotes with us there!

dobko & nickcsadler... you're moderating.

enjoy it guys!

[dobko]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/

[dobko]

Things that make you go Hmmm?!?!


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

7. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

8. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

9. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

10. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

11. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

12. Stop singing and read on..........

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

14. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

15. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

16. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

17. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first
place?

LIVE WELL...LAUGH OFTEN

[dobko]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.


He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence, and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"


The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[dobko]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[dobko]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and
asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The
man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
jackass wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you
got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players
up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No ****??? Who did she play for?"