Anyone have a teenage daughter?

[Lilly]

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:


(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?


(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?


If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.


SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.


CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.


She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.


CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.


OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High".

Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.

[dobko]

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect..

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds
and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk
the horn when they drove up
They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13,
we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

[dobko]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Jennifer and I are just roommates." About a week later, Jennifer came
to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her
an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, and
I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying
that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.

Love,

Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Zbyszek]

When one of my daughters was really little, she suddenly started to cry but she was only a little more than an infant and she could hardly explain the problem.
„Were you hurt?” my wife asked her.
„Yes, and it pains sooo much”.
“Where do your pains come from?” insisted her mother. „Is it your head”?
„No”
„Is it your leg?”
„No”
„Is it your belly?”
„No, mummy. It is my hand.
„Which one?”
„The third one.”

[lulee]

There was a man sitting at the bar having a drink. Every time he would finish one drink he would sit the glass down take something out of his pocket and look at it. After a while he would put it back in his pocket and ask the bartender for another drink. After watching the man repeat this over and over the bartender's curiosity got the best of him. Leaning towards the man he asked him, "What do you keep looking at in your pocket?"
The man look up from his fourth drink and replied, " It's a picture of my wife, and I'm not going home till she looks pretty..."